My husband....well, rather the army, has the knack for destroying my day just like I have the knack for drowning cell phones in the rinse cycle of my washing machine. Due to "The Cell Phone Incident" (as I now like to refer to it), I haven't been able to talk to Bryan but only one time this whole week. His work schedule has been such, that he can only call at 3 am. At my house, this would be all fine and well. Since this deployment, I have gotten used to getting calls at all hours of the day and night. But, when one is visiting their old, grumpy mother, calls on the home phone at 3 am aren't so welcome. So, Bryan HAD been calling my cell phone. That is, until it took a bath and decided that it was down for the count. Seriously...water-proof cell phones anyone? I'd be on that like white on rice. But, back to what I was saying...
I get this e-mail from Bryan tonight, informing me that he would be going out in the field for who knows how long. Wait. Let's stop here for a minute. Let me just say...YES, I KNOW THAT THERE ARE SOLDIERS THAT GO "OUT IN THE FIELD" AND FACE DANGEROUS SITUATIONS EVERYDAY THAT THEY ARE DEPLOYED. That was my husband during his last deployment. AND, YES I KNOW THAT THIS IS WHAT I "SIGNED UP FOR" WHEN I MARRIED AN ARMY MAN. So, don't start flaming me for what I am about to say from here on out in this post. Just because my husband is a soldier, and I knew that when I married him...am I supposed to just not worry? I should just skip along happily through my life like nothing is wrong? There are actually people out there who feel the need to chastise military wives any time they cry, worry, or make any disparaging remarks against this war because, "You knew what you were getting into when you married a soldier." Apparently, this should mean that I checked my emotions at the door, and am supposed to become some unfeeling robot. Sorry, not gonna' happen.
Anyway, this time around, my husband was fortunate enough to have a "safe" job on the FOB (Forward Operating Base). Yes, I know I was one of the "lucky" ones in that regard of this deployment. He didn't leave the wire. Not for the last 10 months. Not until his new boss saw fit (yesterday) for him to start doing so. I'm not sure why this was deemed necessary nearly 11 months into a 15 month deployment. But, don't get me started...the army does plenty of things that I don't understand. I could give you a handful (or 5) of reasons that we aren't winning this war just from looking at the stupid decisions made daily by the idiots that my husband works with. But, again, I digress...
I often get asked, or told, "I don't know how you do it. I couldn't handle my husband being sent to war. You're so strong." Here's a peek at my life behind closed doors...I'm not that strong. I can't tell you how many nights I have cried myself to sleep in the last 11 months. I can't tell you how many times I've seen a soldier walking around at the mall (or wherever), and felt pangs of jealousy that they are home with their loved ones, and I had to choke back sobs. I'm not that strong. I just hide it well.
And, when one has their spouse deployed, they tend to hold onto the smallest things that bring comfort. You have to, or you would drive yourself crazy with worry for 15 months. My comfort was in knowing that my husband was safe on the FOB. It's the one thing that kept my sanity hanging on by the proverbial thread. And, now, someone came along with a sharp pair of Fiskars and snipped that fraying thread right off. It took me a couple of months after he deployed to get in my own groove, stop the crying outbursts, and just get on with life in general. I had been plugging along quite well here recently. But, with a one paragraph e-mail tonight from my husband, everything got turned upside down all over again. Now, I'm back to not hearing from my husband for days on end. Constantly wondering where he is, and when will be the next time he will call/e-mail. Back to always worrying. Back to not watching the news because, after all, ignorance is bliss. I hate seeing something on the news about a soldier dying and wondering, "Was it MY soldier?" Back to spending a week of avoiding the news, only to start watching again 24/7 because, for that last newsless week, you hadn't heard from your husband. Now, you're wondering if you missed some tragic event, and he could have been injured...or worse. Back to being stricken with panic anytime an unfamiliar vehicle pulls into your driveway for fear that it's a CAO (Casualty Assistance Officer)...I get lots of solicitors that come via automobiles at my home. Back to many a sleepless night. As soon as I lie down, my mind just starts to race. In the last 11 months, I've seen a lot of sleepless nights (hence why I am up blogging at 2 in the morning). All feelings that I had not missed, but that have now been ushered back into my life with the quickness. And, at Christmas-time no less. Thanks, Uncle Sam. Merry effin' Christmas!
So, you'll forgive me, I hope, if I'm not down with the craftiness for a few weeks. This sort of just killed Christmas for me...and, along with it, my creativity. After Bryan first left, I didn't craft at all...for months. And, hopefully, you'll forgive me if I'm not around the computer much. I'm just feeling the major ickiness. And, I tend to just turn inward when I have to deal with stuff like this.
But, thanks for reading, and letting me get this off my chest. I think I'll pop some Tylenol PM, and try to get some winks of sleep in. Hope everyone enjoys their weekend.