Friday, November 30, 2007

Bah Humbug!

My husband....well, rather the army, has the knack for destroying my day just like I have the knack for drowning cell phones in the rinse cycle of my washing machine. Due to "The Cell Phone Incident" (as I now like to refer to it), I haven't been able to talk to Bryan but only one time this whole week. His work schedule has been such, that he can only call at 3 am. At my house, this would be all fine and well. Since this deployment, I have gotten used to getting calls at all hours of the day and night. But, when one is visiting their old, grumpy mother, calls on the home phone at 3 am aren't so welcome. So, Bryan HAD been calling my cell phone. That is, until it took a bath and decided that it was down for the count. Seriously...water-proof cell phones anyone? I'd be on that like white on rice. But, back to what I was saying...

I get this e-mail from Bryan tonight, informing me that he would be going out in the field for who knows how long. Wait. Let's stop here for a minute. Let me just say...YES, I KNOW THAT THERE ARE SOLDIERS THAT GO "OUT IN THE FIELD" AND FACE DANGEROUS SITUATIONS EVERYDAY THAT THEY ARE DEPLOYED. That was my husband during his last deployment. AND, YES I KNOW THAT THIS IS WHAT I "SIGNED UP FOR" WHEN I MARRIED AN ARMY MAN. So, don't start flaming me for what I am about to say from here on out in this post. Just because my husband is a soldier, and I knew that when I married him...am I supposed to just not worry? I should just skip along happily through my life like nothing is wrong? There are actually people out there who feel the need to chastise military wives any time they cry, worry, or make any disparaging remarks against this war because, "You knew what you were getting into when you married a soldier." Apparently, this should mean that I checked my emotions at the door, and am supposed to become some unfeeling robot. Sorry, not gonna' happen.

Anyway, this time around, my husband was fortunate enough to have a "safe" job on the FOB (Forward Operating Base). Yes, I know I was one of the "lucky" ones in that regard of this deployment. He didn't leave the wire. Not for the last 10 months. Not until his new boss saw fit (yesterday) for him to start doing so. I'm not sure why this was deemed necessary nearly 11 months into a 15 month deployment. But, don't get me started...the army does plenty of things that I don't understand. I could give you a handful (or 5) of reasons that we aren't winning this war just from looking at the stupid decisions made daily by the idiots that my husband works with. But, again, I digress...

I often get asked, or told, "I don't know how you do it. I couldn't handle my husband being sent to war. You're so strong." Here's a peek at my life behind closed doors...I'm not that strong. I can't tell you how many nights I have cried myself to sleep in the last 11 months. I can't tell you how many times I've seen a soldier walking around at the mall (or wherever), and felt pangs of jealousy that they are home with their loved ones, and I had to choke back sobs. I'm not that strong. I just hide it well.

And, when one has their spouse deployed, they tend to hold onto the smallest things that bring comfort. You have to, or you would drive yourself crazy with worry for 15 months. My comfort was in knowing that my husband was safe on the FOB. It's the one thing that kept my sanity hanging on by the proverbial thread. And, now, someone came along with a sharp pair of Fiskars and snipped that fraying thread right off. It took me a couple of months after he deployed to get in my own groove, stop the crying outbursts, and just get on with life in general. I had been plugging along quite well here recently. But, with a one paragraph e-mail tonight from my husband, everything got turned upside down all over again. Now, I'm back to not hearing from my husband for days on end. Constantly wondering where he is, and when will be the next time he will call/e-mail. Back to always worrying. Back to not watching the news because, after all, ignorance is bliss. I hate seeing something on the news about a soldier dying and wondering, "Was it MY soldier?" Back to spending a week of avoiding the news, only to start watching again 24/7 because, for that last newsless week, you hadn't heard from your husband. Now, you're wondering if you missed some tragic event, and he could have been injured...or worse. Back to being stricken with panic anytime an unfamiliar vehicle pulls into your driveway for fear that it's a CAO (Casualty Assistance Officer)...I get lots of solicitors that come via automobiles at my home. Back to many a sleepless night. As soon as I lie down, my mind just starts to race. In the last 11 months, I've seen a lot of sleepless nights (hence why I am up blogging at 2 in the morning). All feelings that I had not missed, but that have now been ushered back into my life with the quickness. And, at Christmas-time no less. Thanks, Uncle Sam. Merry effin' Christmas!

So, you'll forgive me, I hope, if I'm not down with the craftiness for a few weeks. This sort of just killed Christmas for me...and, along with it, my creativity. After Bryan first left, I didn't craft at all...for months. And, hopefully, you'll forgive me if I'm not around the computer much. I'm just feeling the major ickiness. And, I tend to just turn inward when I have to deal with stuff like this.

But, thanks for reading, and letting me get this off my chest. I think I'll pop some Tylenol PM, and try to get some winks of sleep in. Hope everyone enjoys their weekend.

12 comments:

Jill Scripps said...

i wish i could think of something wonderful to say. but i can't even pretend to understand what you are going through. i just hope the time goes by quickly and that you and the kids have a good Christmas. sending lots of hugs + positive thoughts your way.

xx
jill

GINAJAM said...

Ummm...I feel the same as jill. I have no clue how to respond, except for I feel horrible and wish I could just reach out and give you a big hug. I'm guilty of saying you're so strong for being in the situation you are in (I won't say that ever again!!). But i do think it's great that you can admit that you're not always so strong and that you do what a lot of other people do (including me)...fake it!! I'm glad you are able to talk about it...it's so much worse to bottle it all up! Like I said tho...I have no words that can take the worry and pain away... just lots of prayers and good vibes coming your way. I do hope that you're days/months will get a little bit easier. I would hate to see you not do anything crafty for a while tho...you are amazing with what you do.

Hugs and more hugs! Keep us posted on any news from your DH.

♥♥♥ jen o'dea street ♥♥♥ said...

oh holly...hon i'm soooo sorry. i wish there was something to say that could help you feel better. i, unfortunately, have been where you are & know how heartbreaking it is to be alone & how awful the worry is. i'm sorry that anyone has to go thru that. being an army wife is the hardest thing you've ever endure. you do put up a brave front...just know you do have loving friends & family who are here for you 24/7 if you need someone to vent or cry to. seriously...24/7!!! hang in there girl & just do the best you can. i'll keep you & bryan in my prayers..so he'll stay safe & you'll have him home soon! if you ever need anything, you let me know!

and btw, i also really hate it when someone says stuff like "well you know what you were getting into by joining the army or marrying a soldier". thats the most insensitive thing they could say. unfortunately people who have never been soldiers or soldier's wives say things like that sometimes. i have people that've said that to me even still. they dont realize what military life can be like..or how soldiers are can be lied to by recruiters (such as they did to my hubby when he joined @ 18). but i guess sometimes you just have to let others ignorance go.

anyway i got off on a tangent. sorry... anyway girl you are always in my thoughts & prayers. just do whatever you need to do to get by each day. and while we'll miss your craftiness...i totally understand the feelings you are going thru.

luv ya!! xxox

Melonie said...

Oh Holly my heart is breaking for you reading this. I too don't know exactly what to say but I have to tell ya Holly I still think you are strong. Please don't be mad at me but you are. Emotions do not mean you are not strong. I love that about you, you are honest and share what is on your mind, what is in your heart and that sometimes takes a lot of strength. Just know that whenever you are ready to be on the computer we are here listening. Much love to you and the kids, you will all be in my prayers. ((((HUGS)))))

Anonymous said...

i'm soo sorry hun. i'll call you tomorrow. hugs
~k

Zoe said...

holly i wish there was something i could say or do to help you. please know that your family is in our prayers.

dani j. said...

:(. that sucks so much. I'm sorry you're going through this now - I have no idea how I would ever handle it!

Jill Deiling said...

aww holly, im so sorry that you are having such a hard time. i cant really relate at all, but i feel for you! I don't blame you for not being "strong", i think its great that you can express your true feelings. I just really really hope that this time goes by fast for you. I will keep your family in my prayers! I hope you have a good weekend. :)

GINAJAM said...

Holly...the trees are even cooler in person! Thank you so much! I can't stop looking at them. You do such beautiful work. I LOVE THEM!!!!!!

Katie Jones said...

sorry to hear about your husbands deployment. Hopefully he won't be gone long.

In happy news I wanted to let you know I got my owl today! he's so cute. thanks for making him for me.

Kelly S. said...

my heart goes out to you, I have been there and I know how you feel.this time of year it is even harder to be without, but it will get better.
((hugs)))

Marie said...

Awwww this made me sooo sad! I feel your pain even tho my hubby isnt in the army. I get worried when he goes to his friends and doesnt call so i can only imagine how u feel. Big hug my dear.