Wednesday, September 12, 2007


Well, I finally put my insomnia to good use, and got 2 LO's done last night...

Lately, I have really been needing some validation in my life. I miss having a job sometimes. When I was working for Child Support Services, I actually felt like I had accomplished something at the end of every day. I worked hard, and I was good at what I did. Don't get me wrong...I'm very thankful that I have the opportunity to stay at home with my kids. But, being the Orajel-dispenser and poopy-diaper-changer to a cranky, teething 7 month old; and the potty-time Nazi to a 3 year old...that gets a little bit old sometimes. And, I is an accomplishment to raise 2 healthy, happy kids. I just don't feel like I have any success to call my own...something that is just mine.

I think I grasp for something like that because, by and large, my personal life spins spectacularly out of my control. I am married to the army, and the army controls everything. The army says where I will be living next year. The army says when, where and how long my husband will be gone away from home for. The army dictates even the most minute details of my life...a lot of things indirectly. The army makes it so that I constantly have to explain to a 3 year old that just doesn't understand why Daddy isn't home. And, the army makes it so that every time I get asked (and it is OFTEN), "When is Daddy coming home?" I honestly have no answer.

I can't really complain...there are 10's of thousands of other army wives that do the same thing I do every day...some with A LOT more kids than I...and many with A LOT more issues. Sometimes I just feel like my whole life revolves around the needs of 2 kids. I don't get much time for myself, and I don't have anything that really excites me anymore. Anyway, I'll draw this pity party to a close, and just look forward to my night. Sushi with Louie and Jessica. I can't wait! I've spent all day dreaming about yummy sushi!


shelley said...

i love how you so brutally put your heart out there for all to see. now THAT is some validation coming from me. I validate your feelings and my heart goes out to you - because I - I could not do what you do. you are strong. you are whole - and you do it. each day. i don't even KNOW you - but KNOW i would adore you IRL...not to mention - you are my NEW bestest friend - as that RS song bestills my heart even though it plays over and over and over on my itunes - EVERYDAY. it moves me. keep your chin up girl.

jill s said...

i love your honesty too.
and while i don't know how it feels to be an army wife. (and you know how much i respect you for that)...
i can relate to the feeling like you don't have an identity when you are taking care of kids all day.
i'm trying to really get going here with my photography. because i desperately need something to fill me up emotionally. thank goodness for art.

sending hugs your way girlie.


daniel Ward said...

hey im danimal42 from over at flickr... your story is inspiring. i was/is (i'm working more now that they are both in school) stay at home dad to two little ones and even just waiting til night for mommy to get home was rough... when you have kids, in a way, your identity goes underground. it take awhile for it resurface and when it does, it's changed. but it does happen!

Melonie said...

I love that honesty too. I am not an Army wife either but I can tell you from one SAHM to another I hear ya! I just sent my youngest off to Kindergarten after 8 years at home and I have to it feels really good at the other end of the tunnel. Keep your chin up, you are doing the most important job even if it is thankless at times. Plus your scrappy work just rocks!

Mika said...

Our song is so cool, love it. There is a new Miss p/m post so hope to see you there. Mika

Jill Deiling said...

I'm sorry you are having a hard time being a stay at home mom sometimes, i know that must be really hard at times! It would also drive me crazy not having my husband home with me, and not knowing where I'm going to have to move next.
First of all I want to agree with the other girls, i love your honesty!! I have thoughts like these, well kind of similar, all the time, but I don't usually let people know.
I know it sucks having to stay home with your kids sometimes, but it really is the most important job in the world! your kids are so lucky that they get to spend so much time with you. I'm a single mom and I work a full time job, I feel sooo bad that I can't spend very much time with my son and would kill to get to stay home with him! I'm envious of you in some ways! I can understand how much of a pain it is having to stay home with them every day though, sometimes after a whole weekend I can't wait to get to work to get a little break from him, lol. sometimes i feel like i like my job, because i am making a difference to people and accomplishing things for myself, but i would rather put all of my effort into my artwork and find success with that. a lot of times i just feel like i am just THERE and i could always be replaced by someone else. I want to do something where i am doing something that no one else can do, like making artsy things and raising my son, which will be a totally original thing to do! So consider yourself lucky, you're doing both of these things!
I'm almost waiting to see what's going to happen to me and where I'm going to move! My boyfriend is trying to decide if he is going to move to oklahoma to help run his dad's company. if we move there i wont have to work because we'll be making a lot of money. the only down side is we will both be moving away from our moms and all of our friends. It's driving me nuts waiting to find out what's going to happen! it's all up to him though, im willing to stay or go. its also driving me crazy just to find out whats going to happen with my LIFE. john and i have been together for over a year, but ya never know if things are going to work out. alex thinks of him like a father, we act like a family, but he doesnt necessarily have to with us. i dont think he'll leave us, but you just never know! lol.
anyways, sorry for babbling on and on, just want to let you know you that i understand where youre coming from, and youre not alone! :)

Silje Røe Hagland said...

your honesty is so refreshing!
I love your style! Those LOs are so cute!!